?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

No More F***g Mrs Nice Lesbian

Arrrhhhhhh - Ostie de câlisse de tabarnak de saint-sacrament d'estie de cibouère!!!!!! :(

I wonder. Why is it that I keep playing Mrs Nice Lesbian with people who are in denial about their heterosexism? Why? Why? Why?

Why is this still my default setting until you push, and you shove, and you push me again??

Explaining things? I don't mind. I'll gladly do LGBT101 almost anytime. If I feel you really are respectful and listening I'll be patient and open. I'll share thoughts, emotions, whatever sphere is necessary. You can tell me you feel you have prejudices and we'll start from there.

But do. not. go. into. convoluted. denial. mode. Do. not. try. to. say. «this is not "really" what you meant», «that you do not "really" see a difference», but yet «you would "still" prefer your kid to be heterosexual because that is "better"», but that «"better" did not mean "superior"», but «if my twelve year old kid came to me and said he was gay I would tell him he is too young too know [while not mentioning to your twelve year old kid coming to you and saying he has a girlfriend (because of course heterosexuals never have to come out since sexuality is by "default" heterosexuality) that he is too young to know he is heterosexual]» but «no, I would just act the same, it is too young too live something sexual at that age [arrrr, why not just say that instead of mentioning the too young to know excuse only if the kid mentions he is gay]».

Do. not. say. «Yes I am heterosexist, but no, I do not consider heterosexuality to be superior». Do. not. tell. me that «you would say nothing against homosexuality to your kid, yet consciously address him/her only as if he were heterosexual» and insist that «this does not constitute a double standard».

You can tell him that there are more chances he will grow to be heterosexual, and a small probability he/she'll either be homosexual or bisexual. Fine. That's not imposing or presenting one as better. Only more/less frequent.

When I go in schools, it is far easier for me to be zen. Even if I have to deal with some stubborn types steeped in denial, I will not have to suffer them for long. After the session I will be out of their class forever and I will never have to see them again (except for rare, rare circumstances).

But when stubborn heterosexism comes from people you love, people you are close to - like friends and family - or people you are starting to get close to - as friends in becoming -, it hurts like hell.

And it is too fucking easy to say that we-take-it-too-personally-and-we-should-not-take-it-so-personally-because-the-person-does-not-mean-to-really-hurt-you/us when you NEVER have experienced even ONCE in your life your love being devalued because you are heterosexual. Sexual orientation is not what you order on the menu. Nobody cares if they're told their taste, say, in peenut butter is ridiculous, because peenut butter is not at the center of our lives. But love and sexuality are, for the vast majority of people, regardless of their sexual orientation. If I tell you your heterosexuality is problematic but assure you that I have nothing against you, only against your "behavior", you will not feel relieved and unconcerned. You will not feel I am not attacking who you are, but only what you do, as if it was something you would observe from afar, an external part of your self.

For some years after my coming out, I have been particularly patient, even in front of denial and bad faith. But having to do one's own mother, one's own father, one's own grandparents, one's own oncles and aunts, one's own cousins, one's own therapists/psychologists and one's own heterosexual friends education eventually takes its toll. I am Fucking Fed Up about either having to patiently wait until people's resistances wane, or bore through every tiring inch of it.

So you know what? I'm done.

No more fucking Mrs Nice Lesbian.

You can tell me you are uncomfortable. You can tell me you find it hard. If you really are making an effort, I can bear it out. But if you play stubborn denial with me, I'm out. Do not expect any friendship. I'll stay polite, but distant. I don't want to open myself up and hurt myself all the more. Been there. Done that enough.

Comments

( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
lounalune
Dec. 12th, 2008 11:31 am (UTC)
You had to educate your therapist?! How much sense does that make?! Well, I did see one when I was seventeen who believed I was too young to know and it was probably just a phase. Some people shoudln't be allowed to be therapists.

As to the others, some people are just a**holes and don't deserve your attention and the energy you spend trying to educate them. The sad part is that it's so deeply ingrained in them that they probably don't even realize it.
aislingtheach
Dec. 12th, 2008 03:33 pm (UTC)
You had to educate your therapist?! How much sense does that make?! Well, I did see one when I was seventeen who believed I was too young to know and it was probably just a phase. Some people shoudln't be allowed to be therapists

Et voilà! En voici justement une démonstration! J'ai eu ça dans le premier cas. Dans le second cas, la bonne femme banalisait ma relation. Et dans le troisième me présentait mes cinq années de couple avec un homme comme "une expérience qui m'a permis de mieux savoir qui je suis".

En connais-tu, toi, des hétérosexuels qui seraient prêts à se forcer à vivre avec une personne de même sexe pendant cinq ans, avec tout ce que ça comporte, parce que c'est "la chose à faire", puis qui diraient ensuite - haussant les épaules et arborant un léger sourire - "bah, c'est une expérience qui m'a permis de mieux savoir qui je suis" ?

As to the others, some people are just a**holes and don't deserve your attention and the energy you spend trying to educate them. The sad part is that it's so deeply ingrained in them that they probably don't even realize it.

Ce qui fait chier, c'est quand on surestime l'ouverture ou l'intelligence ou la bonne foi d'une personne et qu'on se vulnérabilise devant elle. Je commençais à devenir amie avec ma collègue de travail et elle me sort du déni gros comme le bras, elle qui pourtant connait bien ses formes lorsqu'il est question de racisme.

Je peux bien lutter contre l'hétérosexisme lorsque je m'adresse à des connaissances ou à des étrangers, mais je n'accepterai plus de construire des amitiés avec des personnes bornées. J'ai assez soupé de la résistance d'amis et de proches que j'ai déjà :(

Edited at 2008-12-12 03:34 pm (UTC)
aislingtheach
Dec. 12th, 2008 08:35 pm (UTC)
Well, I did see one when I was seventeen who believed I was too young to know and it was probably just a phase

J'avais oublié de commenter ce point tellement j'étais dans mes émotions. Mais ça! Ça c'est problématique en estie! :( Ya pas un estie de câlisse de thérapeute qui va affirmer à une jeune fille de 17 ans qui parle de son amoureux qu'elle est trop jeune pour savoir qu'elle est hétérosexuelle et que c'est probablement une phase.

Arhhhh :((

*vire au bleu, violet, mauve*
lounalune
Dec. 12th, 2008 08:46 pm (UTC)
Je suis juste heureuse de ne pas être tombée sur lui quelques années plus tôt quand je commençais à me demander si mes sentiments pour une certaine personne étaient peut-être plus que de l'amitié. Avoir un idiot comme ça pendant cette phase, ça aurait été destructeur... Là, je me suis dit "idiot" et je suis passée à autre chose. (Maintenant je piquerais une crise!) (Malheureusement, il était tout aussi idiot sur d'autres thèmes aussi. Je me demande s'il a eu son PhD aux enchères ou avec Cameron comme directeur de thèse.)

Anyways, you're getting a hug as a consolation for this friendship not working out. There are better people out there, I swear!
aislingtheach
Dec. 12th, 2008 08:55 pm (UTC)
Je me demande s'il a eu son PhD aux enchères ou avec Cameron comme directeur de thèse

Mmm, moi je pense qu'il l'a pigé dans une boîte de Cracker Jacks.
mousme
Dec. 12th, 2008 04:28 pm (UTC)
Amen.
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )